By Hadiza Yahaya Abubakar
The dream of every lady is to become a bride, to have her own Prince Charming, to call her pet names and have off-springs, to call her mummy. And in the northern part of Nigeria, particularly, Kano state, marriage to a lady goes beyond that, it is a religious obligation.
When a lady passes through the puberty stage and becomes an adult, she automatically becomes a target of ridicule and constant pressure by family members. ‘Yaushe zaki kawo miji?’ ‘Wai baza kiyi aure ba?’ (When are you going to get married? Are you not going to get married?) Those are words you hear every now and then. It reaches the extent that they find fault in your appearance, your smile, the way you walk, talk, and so on, like you are the reason you are still single.
That is one of the reasons why most girls rush into marriage out of desperation and ended up going through the horror they never dreamt of seeing even in the movies.
It is neither a he nor a she, not by choice though, but because it is undeserving to be given a gender attribute. It is a plague that bedevils the society and cripples human emotions. It comes in different faces. When one is found out, it changes to another, all in an ugly and detestable form. I can actually keep cycling in name calling but, let’s call a spade a spade. Its name remains domestic violence.
You get married to your knight in shining armor and he becomes a stranger overnight. Husbands force their wives to terminate their pregnancies, either by pills or surgical procedure (Dilation and Curettage) not minding the risks and consequences.
The increase in divorce rates in Kano is just so alarming that it awaken the curiosity. In 2019, Al Jazeera pegged Kano state as home to the largest number of divorces in Nigeria. Although there is no actual number, I can authoritatively say that there is been a noticeable and unusual rise of divorce cases in the Kano.
In my quest to finding out the reasons, I found out many, one of which caught my attention the most. Husbands forcing their wives to terminate their pregnancies and if they refuse, the marriage gets terminated instead.
I spoke to a marriage counselor, Bintu Tanko, who confirmed it in a disheartening tone. She said “Those women are suffering, i have cancelled countless couples, some resolved their issues while some really don’t. Then lately these women come alone with similar complaints, asking me what to do. For crying out loud! How would the man who calls himself a husband asks his wife to get rid of her pregnancy or threatens to divorce her?”
Due to confidentiality, she could not tell me more or link me up with the women without seeking their consent. But she sent a WhatsApp group chat link to me, ‘Ciwon yar mace’, which I joined immediately. I introduced myself as Maryam Ladan and that I got married last year, February 2022. Even though 68 people viewed it, no one breathe a word. Then I continued by saying I am desperately in need of an advice. My husband is threatening to divorce me if I don’t get rid of my pregnancy, which is my first. Still no response, two hours after the post, I checked my WhatsApp and voila! Countless response with a good number of advice.
So with time I got to identify those with similar problems, some already divorced and some still married. I contacted them individually, told them who I really am and my intentions, but they all declined, saying they want nothing to do with the media. I was even removed from the Group. Fortunately! One of the women called me a few hours after I was thrown out of the group. She agreed to tell me her story one-on-one with a condition of anonymity, which I obviously agreed to.
How my womb became my husband’s plaything
Jamila Buni is a 24 year old divorcee who currently resides with her parents in unguwar gargajiya, Kumbotso local government area of Kano state. She is dark skinned, 4 feet tall and curvy.
Starting with a long sigh! Jamila narrated how she met her husbannd, “We met during my trip to my sister’s place in Zaria, Kaduna state, there is this Awara (tofu) joint I frequent. He was always there too. So when he found out I was from Kano, he approached me saying he was from Kano too. Even though he was old enough to be called by Father, I enjoyed his company because he talked maturely and sweetly. He was gentle and hilarious”.
“When I went back to Kano, his phone calls and messages became my boredom remedies. So when he asked to marry me, I accepted without hesitation and that is because apart from the fact that I was already head over hills for him, I will do away with family constant reminder that two of my sisters are in their husbands houses and my peers are all married. He said he we were going reside in Abuja accompanied by flowers and vanilla promises. We got married in the Islamic way and I was taken to a rented apartment in a remote area inside Panshekara. That was the beginning of my nightmare” Jamila said. She kept quiet for some seconds with her eyes closed and face looking down.
Jamila continued, “A week after I moved into his house, he revealed to me that he has a wife with seven children. Four of the children were birthed by his first wife. The other three were from three different women whom he had divorced without disclosing their location. All he said was that they were in Kano. The next striking revelation was that he lied when he spoke about going to Abuja. Then he forbade me from going out or contacting my family and friends. What choice do I have than to go with the flow we were made to believe that submission is the key to a long lasting marriage. He left and came back three days later”
Drinking a whole sachet of water, she continued, “He comes and goes as he pleases. Then one day, I can’t really recall the exact date, but what I can vividly recall is that it was on a Friday morning. He brought some pills and concoction for me and forced me to take them. When I asked what they were meant for, he said he was not going to kill me, instead he wants me to be healthy.”
“The next day I felt cramps in my stomach, the kind I have never felt before with bleeding, which lasted for five to six days. The pain was excruciating. When the same thing happened, after some time with even worst pain, I had to call my mother and tell her everything. She immediately hanged the call and called back an hour later, this time with a pharmacist. She told me to tell him everything, which I did.” Jamila said.
“He asked if I knew the pills and the mixture of the concoction I was given. I told him I don’t know, but I can still imagine the sour, bitter and weird taste of the concoction, like there was lime, potash and other things. That was when he confirmed that my husband terminated two of my pregnancies. So my mother advised me to always pretend to take whatever he brings to me and never take them.” Jamila Added. “To avoid problems with my husband, I deleted the call history so he does not know I spoke to my mother.”
She carried on “After three months and heeding to my mother’s advice, I found out that I was pregnant again. Then I promised myself that I was going to keep it. When he came, I told him about it. Then he started yelling aggressively. He insisted I get rid of the pregnancy, saying he does not want more kids. He only married me for pleasure.” Her tears of sorrow were soaking the tissue as she clung to it to try to stop the flow “hearing those words from him shattered my heart into pieces. I felt this surge of anguish flowing inside of me. The only thing that kept coming out of my mouth was ‘Subhanallah!’ (Glory be to God in Arabic). Then I gathered all the courage I have and told him I was not going to terminate the pregnancy.” She added.
“We had argument, then he ended it by saying if I should keep the pregnancy, there will be ante-natal, no contacting anyone and no financial assistance from him. I saw it as a good deal and I accepted” Jamila said.
When we were talking about intimate marital duty, Jamila raised her head, looked at me and said “Hmm! In our case, I wouldn’t call it marital duty, but marital torture. Because when he is around, he never allowed me to rest to the extent that I no longer felt anything. Then I started urinating on my body without full control of my bladder. My mother along with some family members had to intervene. I took some medications and God so kind, I was better.”
With teary eyes and sad voice tone, Jamila said “I suffered! The nausea, vomiting, craving and every other thing that comes with pregnancy. I went through them alone and when I started having persistent contraction around 11 to 12 midnight, I called my husband on the phone. Then he sent a number of a woman who lived few blocks away from mine. I called her but she said she cannot come out at night that I had to bear the pain, which I thought I could but that pain was beyond imagination.” She added.
Jamila continued “So I called my mother and she came in a tricycle. When she saw the condition I was in, she called my husband and told him I need a need a hospital. He said he does not have money for hospital, so I should be taken to the nearest primary health care center. When my mother did as she was told, the doctor we met at the primary health center insisted on going to the hospital. Then my mother just took the bull by its horn and took me to a private hospital. After all the pains, struggles and the doctors and mid-wives efforts, I gave birth to a baby boy.”
In a sarcastic tone, she said “My loving husband stopped answering our calls, so it was my uncle that took care of the hospital bill on my mother’s request.” “So my mother took me to my parent home and took me care of me. After 40 days, (In Hausa culture, a lady is taken to her parent’s for 40 days after first delivery) my mother called my husband to ask if he was coming to pick me up. Could you imagine, he spoke to my mother like he was speaking to his child, with so much disrespect, maybe because he is older that her. He said I can only come back to his house on a condition that I abandon child. Which I obviously refused, then he sent a divorce letter via WhatsApp.”
How running back was the only option I had
Marriage counselor Bintu Tanko sent me an address at Kofar Arewa, Sumaila Local Government Area to meet one Kamila Danliti, 21 year old divorce. I got there with a tough description that took almost two hours to locate the house. Kamila has a similar, but not so similar experience with Jamila.
“After the wedding ceremony, as promised, my husband took me to the city of Kano. Everything was going well at first, then I got pregnant, he deceived me into getting rid of it by giving me some pills, saying he wants us to enjoy ourselves for a little while. I thought it was because he loved me so much, so I agreed” She said.
Kamila continued “When I got pregnant again, he asked me to terminate it, I refused, and then he forced some pills down my throat, with some inside of me and held my hands so I would not force myself to vomit. When he was holding my hand, he confessed to me that he only married me to satisfy his sexual desires, as he already has three kids from his previous marriage.”
“In few hours, I started feeling cramps accompanied by virginal bleeding. It lasted for a week, although I was taking the Brustan-N pain reliever he got for me. After that incident, I took some of his money and ran home. When he came to get me, I told him I was going to report him to Hisba (Religious police force in Kano state) if he doesn’t divorce me. To my surprise, he divorced me without hesitation, like that was what he came for. And that was it” Kamila said.
However, in my course of investigation, I found out that some women agreed to such treatment and terms to stay married. Asabe Jimoh, 23 year old orphan and the second wife said her husband forced into terminating two pregnancies. After the second time, they had a heated argument, which was when he told her that his five kids are enough for him and threatened to divorce her if she objects.
“I am an orphan. I neither have a mother nor a father. I have no place to go to and no one to take care of me. Now I am on constant contraceptives pills and if I mistakenly get pregnant, I know what pill to take, to get rid of it. I don’t want any problem with my husband, especially the one that will lead to a divorce” Asabe said.
Asabe smiled “It’s not like I don’t want kids, but what choice do I have? I guess this is my own fate, to choose marriage over kids. And we are living fine” She said.
These women and many others out there have either gone through or are still going through this trouble all in the name of marriage. Marriage should not be a nightmare but a dream come true for both parties. Forced abortions which is becoming a trend in Kano, need to be stopped by all means necessary by all parties involved, that is the parents, traditional institutions, religious bodies as well as law enforcement agencies.
Note: All the names called in this story are fictitious, to protect their identities.
